(Un)Defeated

In the last two years there have only been 2 times when I have been so defeated that I have wanted to throw my hands up in the air and say "I quit". Unfortunately, this is one of those times. It's not that any one particular horrible thing happened today. It's just been building up with the usual paperwork problems and financial stress. Also, today we were turned down for the second time for an adoption grant. I don't understand how in our current financial situation and the urgency of our need we could be turned down. If we don't qualify for these grants, who does? I have let so many sinful feelings overtake me to the point where I feel I can't go on. I'm tired of asking people for "adoption favors" or explaining to various signing officials the absurdity of some of the required Russian documents. I feel like yelling at them "Just sign it!" I don't want to do anymore fundraising or worry day after day how we will raise enough money to bring Mikhail home. I am so sick of our hard earned money being thrown into the adoption black hole. I find myself thinking how easy our life would be right now if we hadn't made the decision to adopt. How the weight of the world would be lifted off of my shoulders if we just quit. On top of being exhausted with all of these things, I feel so guilty to so many for feeling this way. First of all to God who has blessed us in so many different ways in this process beyond what we could have ever imagined. What more do I want, right? Secondly, to all of the friends and family who have supported us with prayer and given their encouragement and money. And lastly, to a little boy on the other side of the world who wants nothing more than to be loved by his mama and papa. As I was painting his crib today I began to cry. My thoughts and feeling overwhelmed me. How could I abandon this child now? He clung to me so tightly in the orphanage that I couldn't peel his little fingers away. I remembered the way his face looked at Jeremy as he fed him his animal crackers. He needs us and we need him. I love this little boy enough already that I realize I would do anything for him. There's no way I can quit now. How could I abandon all of the efforts from friends and family to bring him home. I have a responsibility to you. And most importantly how could I abandon God and His perfect plan for our family after all he has done. He has brought me so far in my faith that I can't imagine ever going back. He has shown himself to me in the most amazing ways. He has taught me things that I would have never known if we hadn't started this adoption process. I'm sorry that I have been paralyzed by fear and doubt. I know this is of Satan and not of God. I have been blinded by my own selfishness and self pity. I have lost sight in why we started this process in the first place. I forgot that this was not supposed to be about me or my feelings. This was not even supposed to be about our family, and maybe not even about Mikhail. This process is about glorifying God. It doesn't matter how hard it gets for me, or how many times I want to quit. I will pick myself up and let God finish what he has started. I wanted God to use me and our story in whatever way he wanted to for his glory. At the beginning of this process I promised I would go as far as God leads me. He's still leading.

SP