"Adoption Land" (No Mice with White Gloves Here)

We are ready to embark on another week in the fun-house we know as "Adoption Land", and I am somewhat apprehensive about what this week may bring. Will our final remaining document get signed this week? Or will another week go by with no word? It seems that so many people whose stories we have followed for the past two years are home with their children and are on to their new chapter, post-"Adoption Land". And lately we have at times felt alone, a little left behind. But I also feel that in some ways a torch has passed. There are many out there reading our blog regularly that are still in the early stages of their process, looking to us for some information and an idea of what the process is going to hold for them. And there's something that I want to say for those in that boat.

God has used every day in this adoption process to draw me closer to him. I have been a Christian my whole life. I've gone to church since I was smaller than Misha. I went to Christian college. Married a good "Christian girl". I have read my Bible (sort of) and prayed (kind of). I've played bass guitar in the worship band since high school and been involved in small groups at my home church. Even taught small groups. On the surface, it would seem that I fit the mold of "typical Christian". But it wasn't until this process that I realized how much my relationship with God was lacking. I read my Bible because it was what I was supposed to do as a "Christian". I prayed because the Bible told me to do it. I sang worship songs because that's what you do for the first 15 minutes of church service. Oh, what I was missing.

Thanks to the trials and ups and downs of this rollercoaster that is "the adoption experience", I am so much closer to God than I have ever been and ever knew I could be. I now pray not because the Bible tells me to do it, but because I need to do it. It is water for my thirsty soul. I don't read God's word because I feel like I'm supposed to, but because it is bread to my hungry heart. Sometimes I am so consumed with hunger to fill my head with knowledge of God that I'm bummed if I'm busy with something else or away from my Bible and spiritual books. Songs that I have listened to a hundred times before now bring me to tears (please take some time to listen to some of the songs on the playlist at the bottom of the blog for this reason). I feel his presence permeate every aspect of my life, yet I want more. I have never hungered or thirsted for God in my entire life as a "Christian" as I do now. And the more I get, the more I want.

And I have this awesome struggle to thank. This experience that has brought out a deluge of every possible emotion (fear, anguish, indescribeable joy, pain, doubt, trust, despair, love, friendship, fatigue, faith). And it has taken every day of this 2 year and 3 month process for God to draw me where I am today. Don't get me wrong. I want Misha here so badly that sometimes it is hard to breathe. But, dear friend who is struggling with your unique journey in this amusement park we call "Adoption Land", embrace the journey with all you have and with all you are. Let God open you up to a life you have never experienced before. Let God use this process to draw you in where you said you always wanted to go but could never get there. Experience His grace and provision in ways you never imagined before. Believe in ways that you have never believed before and never knew you could. Step out of the boat and onto the water, and know that you will not sink. Dear friend, He loves you with a love that surpasses anything our little human brains can even begin to comprehend.

In a very small way, I am apprehensive about this adoption process ending. After all we've gone through, you'd think I was crazy for saying this. But it is beacause I fear that I will go back to living life the way I used to before God made himself so real to me that I swear I touched Him when I touched Misha for the first time. But I know that this adoption process is just one chapter in this story He is writing, and I can't wait to turn the next page......

JP