Attachment Differences

The past week has yielded a little controversy in our "chat group" community regarding the role of parents (moms in particular) and newly adopted institutionalized children. Adopted children need special attacment work and mom needs to be home to properly develop that versus some moms have to go back to work and a family with a working mom is still better than no family at all.

Say what you want about controversy, at least it forces one to examine their situation and dialouge with themselves about their own situation. I know that it has promoted dialougue in our family. And while I know some feelings were hurt, I think that sometimes a little controversy can be helpful because it forces you to take a stance (do I really believe what I am doing is right?). That is what we have done this past week as I have struggled with Elijah.

This dialouge coincided with my most difficult week since coming home with Elijah. And I found the parallels very profound. Since school started for the boys (we school our other 3 boys at home), our home situation has changed dramatically. My day starts at 4am, and between work, school (I'm in charge of math, writing, and some reading), coaching and carpooling, my free time to spend with Elijah has decreased dramatically.

As a result, I have noticed a significant change in our relationship (and not for the better). We have slid back to behaviors similar to when we were in Russia (not wanting me to hold him, trying to sabotage personal time, not wanting to be comforted by me). And this has been a very hard thing for me to take. I see his relationship with Sara, who is home with him all the time, and it is hard for me not to be envious. I know that she is mom, and things are always a little different with mom. But I know that in our situation, his attitude towards me is directly related to the proportion of time that I spend with him compared to Sara. His attachment with me is not nearly as good as it is with Sara because I am not with him as much. Granted, I try when I am home to take him for special time (he'll go to the store with me by himself or we'll play baseball together), but most of the time I see that it's not enough.

The debate about whether moms with newly adopted kids should stay at home or go to work is one without a clear answer. I believe that it is a decision best put before God in prayer and discussed thoroughly within each individual family. I certainly know the economic pressures going on today (I have had to take a second job on the weekends just to scrape by), but I also know first hand the difficulties that come with trying to form a bond with an adopted child when you are not present. I wouldn't wish that difficulty on anyone, and I can empathize with those who are struggling. In the meantime, I take advantage of every opportunity that I can and pray for our little guy constantly that our bond will grow stronger with time...



JP

The boys with their gifts grandma and grandpa brought back for them from Scotland. Elijah's new hairdo looks goooooooood...